Sunday, 28 February 2016

Mothers Day Without Mum

Mothers Day comes around every year, yet every year I still look upon this celebration with a slightly heavy heart.

I lost my mum to ovarian cancer 10 years ago. My mum was 50 years old when she died, no age at all really is it?
I was 18 years old when she grew her angel wings.

MY MUM WHEN SHE WAS A YOUNG GIRL


 Looking back I can see that 18 years spent with her is also nothing. Most of that time I was a child, I couldn’t understand or comprehend the situation. I didn’t see how much it would affect me as I got older.

When I was younger I used to think I had my mum for 18 years, that’s a long time. But its not. There are so many things I wish I could have asked her, wish I could have done with her, wish I could have known. 

I have lots of happy memories but I also have the more emotional raw memories stuck in the back of my mind of the times when she was poorly. No one can ever understand the pictures my mind has stored of my mum unwell, the time she was being sick and haemorrhaging in our bathroom when I had to call for an ambulance myself.


MY MUM ON SHIFT WHEN SHE WAS A NURSE
don’t really know the purpose of this post as I am writing it but it feels good to just write what’s on my mind.

I miss the perfume you wear mum, your funny sneezes, the way we could find you in the supermarket if we lost you just by your cough alone. I miss how funny you were, I miss how much you loved us and took time every day to play with us, take us out, cuddle us. I miss that you never got to meet your grandchildren, or see me on my wedding day. I miss your Sunday dinners but especially your Christmas dinners and the cakes you used to make were amazing, a tradition which I carry on with my own children.

I see the mothers day cards and gifts in the store and for some reason I am drawn towards looking at what is on offer, what I would get for you. I always get something for you even though you’re no longer on this earth doesn’t mean I cant still show you my appreciation for everything you did for us. Maybe its silly I don’t know but it makes me feel closer to you anyway.

Your photo is all around my home, your necklace charm I had made of you on your wedding day that I wore on my wedding day is hanging from my tree of light in my living room, your photo is on my fireplace and in my bedroom, your dressing gown (the blue one with the white bear on it) is hanging from my coat stand on my stairs. Yes I know its been 10 years but it’s a comfort to me.

MY MUM WITH ME AND MY TWIN SISTER 
Every year Mother's Day comes around and every year I think of you. It is not the only time I think of you but it is the time I miss you the most, when I am made to remember this day. 

Your memory will always live on. Take care of your loved ones today, make sure you make the effort to fix those arguments you had and to tell them how much they mean to you. 

Don't let them become a memory where you wish you'd said more. 

12 comments:

  1. My mum died when I was 18, she was 45. She had Multiple myeloma. It's got easier but it still hurts that she's not here for things like Mother's Day. I know how you feel. Sending you love and hugs.

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    1. Sorry for your loss it's such a young age to lose anybody.
      Thanks for your comment x

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  2. So sorry for your loss- it must be such a hard time for you but hopefully a joyful one too with little people around. Sending love at this hard time xx

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  3. I miss her more as every day passes x

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  4. So sorry...It is a rough time of year for those without mothers. Sending hugs x

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  5. Mothers day is so hard for those of us who's mothers have gone on to get their wings. 6 years, and I still miss her very much. It's funny how much you don't know how much you needed them until they weren't there.
    Sending you much love during this hard time.

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    Replies
    1. It true you don't know how much you need them till they're gone x

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  6. I can only imagine how tough it is for you and your sister and especially this time of year too.

    How lovely that you have lots of memories around your home, i'm sure this is a big comfort for you.

    And what a lovely photo of your beautiful Mother feeding you and your twin. Sending love and hugs xx #MMBC

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    1. Thanks Jayne I have lots of lovely photos thankfully :)

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